Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
