M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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