I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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