You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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