Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
