i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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