I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Randomize
