i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
