I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
