i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
