I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
