I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
