woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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