dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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