Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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