I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
