there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
