so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
my liver is dry heaving
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
