his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
