I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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