Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
