Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He? As in you personified your dick?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
