They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
