Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
