My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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