He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
