Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
two words...techno handjob
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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