Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
