What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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