Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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