community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Randomize
