Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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