so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
