Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
