I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
