I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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