We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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