Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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