Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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