I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
