After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just want nice things and good sex
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
