break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
