Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
