I'm so fucking centered right now
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
