I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
