dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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