so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
