Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
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i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
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my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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