Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
