I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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