i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
