I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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