Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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