Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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