nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
