allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
