my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
